Sharing is Caring!

Sharing. What parent doesn’t want her young children to learn to share, and views learning to share as an important pre-requisite to becoming a kind, giving adult? And when your kid doesn’t share, whether it is the toy at gan, or the swing on the playground, what parent doesn’t feel embarrassed that other parents will think HER child is the selfish one, and will grow up to be a future bank robber or chainsaw murderer? And we are always sure the other parent is thinking-“what’s wrong with that parent? Why can’t she make her child share??” First of all, we can’t MAKE our child do anything, much less share! But how can we teach our children that important rule of sharing? This afternoon, during this looong Shushan Purim day at home, after shoe shopping at 3 stores, and desperately finding ways to entertain my kids the entire day without screens, we finally ended up on our mirpeset, my 6 year old kicking around the soccer ball and my 4 year old swinging peacefully on the hammock. But the (intensely jealous) 6 year old wanted the hammock. And the 4 year old was so relaxed and content and would not give it up. Even with a timer that beeped after 10 minutes, even after my promises to do all kinds of fun things with him after he got off the hammock. I’ll skip the scuffles in between, but the bottom line is, I did not physically pick him up off the hammock and force him to share it with his brother. And I don’t grab toys out of my kids hands when their time is up and they are still refusing to give it up. (Even though, I must admit, the timer usually does work, especially for the 6 year old, but it is harder with a hungry and tired 4 year old). Instead, I told him that I know he will share soon when he is ready. And I assured his brother that he would get it soon…. Lo and behold, about 3 minutes later, he got off the hammock, a beaming smile on his face, so proud of himself! And I was so proud of him! I have done this countless times, and it never fails. Kids don’t learn to share by us forcing them to share! They need us to trust them that they can do it, and give them the opportunity for self-discipline, to exercise those sharing muscles on their own! How much better he felt when he was able to do this himself, and how terrible would he have felt if I had physically pulled him off the hammock? That beaming face said it all! And the more he does this, the more he exercises that slowly developing prefrontal cortex and makes those vital connections in his brain to build his Middos for the future. Is this fair to the other kid? First of all, don’t worry, he has plenty of moments where he won’t share with his brother. But it’s ok for him to learn to wait, that he doesn’t always get what he wants, and he knows that I am on his side and I’m there to give him positive attention until it is his turn. And he also trusts that he will get a turn! Because he knows that he would do the same…. This is what chinuch is about! As Rashi famously says in Parshas Lech Lecha, chinuch is about preparing a vessel or a person for its future use. Chanukas Hamizbeach was about setting aside the mizbeach for its use in the future. We want our children to be generous, giving people on their own, in the future, after the leave our home. By giving them opportunities to learn to share and other skills by exercising their own self-discipline, we are literally wiring their brains! We are teaching them those skills so they can do them on their own in the future. We are truly being mechanech our children!