A parent was telling me about her son, who is in my son's first grade class. He's a more timid, sensitive kid, and she was really happy when one time, her son hit back when my son hurt or bothered him. She wasn't blaming my son, she understands that sometimes kids have playground scuffles (and I had explained to her that sometimes he gets impulsive...) But I found it interested that she was happy that her son was standing up for himself and hitting back.
There is this image of the "tough guy" that we want our boys to have, not to be able to take something sitting down. Obviously, we don't want our kids to be bullied and to allow someone to hit or walk all over them. But is teaching them to hit back really the way to go?
In his classic book Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman proposes that there IS another way. Rather than teaching our kids to react immediately, and to answer violence or emotional hurt with their initial impulse, we can emotion coach kids to be aware of what they feel, think of what the best option is, and then execute it. We can teach kids that they can stand up for themselves by telling the other person what they feel and need, telling the person to stop, leaving the area if possible, or telling an responsible adult. The research on the benefits of parenting emotion coaching their children is beyond positive; by coaching our children to be aware of and handle their emotions well, our children develop skills that will serve them well in their future schooling, their careers, relationships, and beyond.
A couple of weeks after this conversation with that mother, her son came over to play at my house. Understandably, they were both excited to play in the sprinkler on my porch, and some aggressive water play ensued. I spent some time watching: her son, upset by something my son did, was able to express himself very well and tell my son to stop when something bothered him. I stook on the outskirts, watching and offering occasional coaching as needed, with comments such as: "Are you okay with that? Tell him if you are not." "You can tell him what you need." "Do you think he likes that? What can you do instead?" My son was also bothered a couple times and I coached him to express his feelings as well. And of course, I worked on coaching both of them to think of what the other person liked before spraying or pouring water on them!
In all, I thought it was a successful playdate. Most of the time, I wasn't involved, and they were able to resolve any issues on their own. And they had a great time, because 7 year old boys really do love water fights, and they need some aggressive play (as long as nobody is hurt!)
In addition to all of the benefits for life, teaching these skills are really helping our children learn to emulate an important middah of Hashem's, "Erech Apayim." Hashem doesn't get angry at us right away,; He empathizes with us, sees our perspective with Rachamim and gives us many chance to get it right. We can teach our children the same thing: yes, your friend might have bothered you, but they want to do the right thing, and you can help them get there! If we can teach our children to stop and think, this will be a lesson that will guide them for life. They will learn that it actually pays to be the "nice guy," and that in Torah Judaism and real life, nice guys actually do come in number one.